So here I am, tears taking a glimpse into the world, heart aching and beating fast, hands cold, shivery and slightly running out of breath. I've realised that I'm not as strong as I probably thought I was because today, typing up this long over-due article, I'm actually in tears and broken as I face the inevitable truth. Its time to let go. The Cambridge online dictionary describes this term as "to stop holding something or to stop thinking about or being angry about the past or something that happened in the past". Here I am, unable and not ready to "stop". If we look at this definition broadly, I would say it dehumanises the victims of the act, does not consider the emotions, the level of damage letting go has on the individual, the process of forgiving, forgetting and accepting whatever's happened or happening. So how does one simply "stop holding" onto that which is dear to them? or that which has left them scarred for life? Remember, we all share different scars, some of love and growth, some of pain and hatred. How do we heal?
I met a wonderful woman a year ago and we've grown together. Now, It was not love at first sight, but the moment that I - being a clueless 17 year old in an institution of higher learning- knocked on her office door after several attempts that week and on that day, after I heard her voice shout "come in", something changed. I opened it slowly and stepped into her territory. I'd come to consult for an assignment that I was struggling with the whole week, due the next Monday, and the sleepless nights weren't helping. So I took that leap of faith and decided to speak to the " Dragon Lady". I'd gathered a fair amount of confidence, planned what to say and how but to my dismay, the woman I'd seen as very brush, inapproachable, sarcastic and strict in our lectures and tutorial classes [and we'd only met in class, never really spoken] and never smiled suddenly looked up, grinned and asked "How can I help you dear?". For a moment I was stunned! I looked at her, the page in my hand that had the longest introduction to an academic essay man has ever seen, the girl who stood beside me with her laptop open and then thought "WOW, she actually smiles". Confidently on that Friday morning, I told her how clueless I am about her assignment, how I desperately needed assistance with it and how I'd be willing to have all the mistakes fixed within the next two-three hours and back in her office.
Another person would have thought that I probably would have been kicked out of that office, as she is known for not tolerating sloppiness and rubbish, but that day I left with a totally different view about her, myself and people in general. First impressions or 2nd don't always win people over, but your third, forth and fifth impressions can actually change an entire lecture halls impression of who you are. Also, the moment we realise that there is actually something beautiful about a misrecognised person, is the day we will discover that beauty and become better people because of it. So after that day, I was completely drawn to her aura and then as time passed we established a connection and the strangest bond ever. From that day onwards the campus found out that the girl who was always in the English lecturers' office was her daughter who also tutors for the module. So I still ask myself, How do I stop? how do I let go of what we've built? is it that easy?
As the semester went by, we started taking each other into each others lives. Sharing glimpses of our pasts and present and spent almost everyday together chatting, laughing, eating, arguing over who should spoil who and why the one makes the other cry and then we would continue with the conversations over the phone late at night, through text or email- I think I've painted a clear picture of the nature of my relationship with my mom. We've had more happy moments than sad ones and I guess the saying "All good things must come to an end" has proven to have a fair degree of truth because later on last year, she asked that I pray for her to get the new job she's applied for- in a different institution, in a different town, in a different province. Being the loving daughter I am, I did that because I want her to be happy all the time, but the eye of God sees even behind the words we speak. The pain and thought of being away from her kicked in at full speed but I still continued praying until I started praying for myself too:
"Heavenly father you see my heart and you have always been faithful. I love this woman and want to see her happy so I ask that you grant her that which she wishes but I ask that you rid me of my selfishness too and help me accept that the work you'd sent her to fulfil in my life has now been fulfilled. Give me a pure heart and an honest soul. Father I ask that you help me let go. I also thank you father, that you have listened and answered this prayer and I know that she has this job already. I say this in the mighty and holy name of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ of Nazareth, Amen".
The lord helped me through it and he still is. Earlier this year, seated again in her office she gets a phone call. I could see by her smile and glow on her face that she's been called in for an interview and then I praised God for it! Once more, he'd done what I asked. I realised that I was happy and afraid at the same time- Now She REALLY is leaving me and I can't get in the way of God's plans- don't mess with the big guy hey. So I'd find myself crying like a widowed woman late at night, thinking and laughing about how much she deserves this and then in a more positive light, the number of times I'll be traveling to see her if my biological parents- who handed me over to her as a way of adoption- grant me the right to do so. Seems like I've let go doesn't it? So why am I still whining about it?
I am seeing a completely different side of myself. I have my own 50 shades. Usually I don't surrender to emotions- I don't cry unless if it depresses me deeply, I don't care about it unless if it will offer me growth or life, I don't do it if it won't benefit me or the next person positively and then I've learnt that I have a heart big enough to love people through whatever they face and I don't mind being told off because that opens doors to improving who I am and working on all those blind spots, take risks most of the time and I put a lot into anything I do. I've become aware of the power we possess to make and break ourselves and others. I've just realized that maybe if I'd stepped into this woman's office and discovered the monstrous image I had in mind, I would not have stuck around and would have probably "failed ". Instead what I found was all that I needed to deal with the baggage I had coming into varsity from the past. I found a pillar to hold onto when the buildings are tumbling down, I found my sunlight peaking through the dark clouds which gave me growth, strength and motivation to become what I've blossomed into. I found my leap of faith.
Over the past two hours, there's been a transition from the painful reality that faced a 19 year old kid. She's calmed down and is smiling because maybe she doesn't have to 'let go'. Maybe just accept, acknowledge and be happy that some connections last a lifetime.
It's not easy letting go of a life times' worth of change done within a year and I guess that's why my heart almost stopped today when I knocked on that door like I did yesterday and the day before but couldn't hear that bold and sweet voice shout "come in!" on the other end of the door. Maybe these tears that lie deadly on my purple dress and cheeks decided to take a leap when my eyes couldn't see the gorgeous grin on my moms' face today. Just maybe, maybe my hands and body shook because they knew that they don't know how long it will be until they are held for warmth when they're freezing cold in the mornings or how long it will be when we walk together in the evenings to catch a cab home or embrace each other before we part. STOP!, HAULT!, LET IT GO!, DROP IT! I am unable to do that. Its just not that easy. Maybe stopping or letting go isn't really stopping and letting go because if it was, wouldn't it be much easier?
Till Next Time, Stay Liberal.
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